


Nothing Compared to You

by CrimesAgainstHorn



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, High School, Romance, Singing, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:54:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27156896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimesAgainstHorn/pseuds/CrimesAgainstHorn
Summary: Chloe's been rescued, Liam doesn't exist, Finn is in Leeds, and Rae is about to sing the solo at her college show! Will she be able to do it?
Relationships: Rae Earl & Finn Nelson, Rae Earl & Izzy (My Mad Fat Diary), Rae Earl/Finn Nelson
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Without giving too much away, the college music show was a storyline I really really really wanted to see go differently. This is what I wished had happened on the show, more or less. Hope you enjoy!

Bloody hell, I might actually pass out. Izzy told me not to look but I had to have a peek. When I pull the curtain back and poke my head out into the auditorium I feel dizzy with fear as my eyes take in the totally packed room. Hardly any empty seats to be seen. My legs feel unsteady and I grip the thick curtain to keep from falling. Jesus, this is a right mess I’ve landed myself in this time. How can I sing in front of all these people? 

I stumble back and head down the hallway, toward the music room where the other performers wait to go on. The concert starts in ten minutes and we’re one of the last acts, so there’s plenty of time to shit myself from panic. Lovely.

Seamus Crowley passes me heading in the opposite direction, wearing the most ridiculous pants I’ve ever seen; they billow out and the crotch hangs low, like he’s got bowling balls in there (If the messages written in the girls’ loo are true, they’re more like golf balls. If even.) He looks like a demented genie. Him and his gang are rapping to Vanilla Ice. In rehearsals, they’ve been over the top, so cheesy it’s hard to watch. But they’ve gotten big laughs, especially from the girls who mostly giggle over Linus Shaw, one of the fittest lads in college. As Seamus passes me, he says excitedly, “Hear it’s a full house, eh?” I struggle to nod without cringing at the reminder. He keeps on walking, looking giddy. We should’ve gone for laughs, too. I can’t believe the group convinced me to sing Sinead O’Connor. When I get up there the whole crowd will think I fancy myself some great pop star. This time my legs really do give out and I slide down the wall, my head in my hands and my eyes closed. Breathe, just breathe, I think. It feels like I can’t get enough air into my lungs, like they’re shriveling up into walnuts, like I’ll never breathe again. I plant my hands on the floor and lift my head, press my back against the wall, keeping my eyes closed.

I try my best not to blame Chloe for this giant pile of shit I’m in. I was fine with her taking the lead, even though I knew I had the better voice. I was perfectly happy to hide my fat arse in the background. Then she goes and gets all caught up with that twat Ian and now I’ll be the one with the bloody spotlight on my face. 

Before I can get too twisted up in anger, my better side takes over and I’m reminded of the conversation Chloe and I had two nights ago, when I rescued her from Ian’s house. We sat in my living room for over two hours, drinking tea and chatting until Chloe felt brave enough to ring her mum and dad to bring her home. 

It felt like--for the first time in a long while--we were proper best mates again. We told each other everything. Like how I read her diary (nearly shit a brick when I told her that one). Thank God she wasn’t too pissed off. I think she was actually embarrassed, something I didn’t think Chloe was capable of feeling; embarrassed about being a crap friend, embarrassed about throwing herself at Finn, embarrassed he didn’t want her, embarrassed she let herself get used by Ian and his dickhead mates. Looking at her in my rainbow stripe bathrobe, drinking tea and snuggled into an old Care Bears blanket, I saw the Chloe I knew when she was little. Back when we were both little and young. We’re older, but not that much older. Still trying to figure things out, it’s just that all the stuff we’re trying to figure out is harder. 

Reading her diary made me realize that maybe Chloe’s life isn’t so perfect. I also realized that as much as I complain about Chloe being a crap friend, I haven’t been much better. I ignored her, lied to her, hardly ever asked how she was doing ‘cuz I just assumed her problems were smaller than mine. I was always taking up the most space--physically and emotionally. The least I could do was keep the lead role in the performance; she wasn’t ready to come back to college yet, and definitely not up to singing in front of 1,000 people (okay, so it’s not really a thousand people, but it feels that way). 

All those people. Watching me, staring at me. Waiting for me to fail. Fuck. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I’ll fail the course, but what difference will it make? I’ll leave college; I hate it here, anyway. This sudden and sharp determination to run away propels me from the floor. I stand up just in time to nearly get swept up in a throng of people making their way down the hall heading for the stage. Before I can blend in with them--I’ll just keep walking straight out the door--Mrs. Coombes spots me. 

“Rachel!” She comes over to my spot against the wall and gently takes my arm. She’s juggling several papers, notecards, and her glasses. “Your group’s been searching for you, dear! They’re in the music room rehearsing--Oi! You lot, Groups one and two, wait in the wings! No peeking!” She yells at the mass of bodies jockeying toward the small space just around the corner, right before the stairs leading to the stage. 

The lights in the building flicker off and on like at a proper show. Jesus, I grab at my stomach and feel like I might vomit. 

Mrs. Coombes notices. “Rachel? Are you alright? You look afright.” 

I swallow the lump in my throat and say quietly, “I’m sorry, Miss, but I can’t do it. I can’t sing.”

Mrs. Coombes blinks several times, quickly like a frightened woodland animal, and says disbelievingly, “Are you ill?”

Is this woman daft? I raise my voice and reply in a more urgent manner, “No, Miss. Well, yes. I feel like I might be sick. I just can’t sing in front of all those people.” I wave my hand in the general direction of the auditorium, as though that should be enough for her to understand. “It’ll be a disaster if you send me out there.” 

Mrs. Coombes puts on her specs and glances at her watch. Hearing commotion from the wings she glances around the corner, then looks back at me very seriously, straight in the eyes.

“Rachel, the show begins in less than five minutes. You and your group have worked very hard on your number and you are magnificent.” Her face warms when she says this and I can’t help but smile a bit before she continues, “We are going to get you on that stage and you will not let your mates down and you will not let yourself down.” She glances at her notecards. “You’re group six, so we have a wee bit of time. I need to get that lot straightened out and introduce the show. I want you to go to the music room, have a drink of water and wait for me there. Can you do that?”

The lights flicker again. She looks back anxiously. The best I can do is nod. 

She smiles. “Wonderful! I’m sure your family will be delighted to see you perform!” With that, she turns and strides away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does Rae have anyone in the audience supporting her? Keep reading...

Family. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I’m reminded of the zero family members I have in the audience. When Izzy handed me my tickets earlier this week she was radiating warmth. I had been spiraling out, unsure of what was going on with Chloe or the show. Izzy thought the tickets would make me excited, knowing my family was in the audience to cheer me on. Little did she know she was mates with The Worst Daughter in the World. I’d have to be, for a mum to refuse to come to her daughter’s first (and only) solo performance ever! I bet Izzy’s family are already in their seats. I bet her dad is holding a massive bouquet to give to her after. 

At our final rehearsal yesterday, we were all standing around chatting. Greg started talking about how his parents were gonna pick up his Nan in Kettering so she could watch him sing. Victoria and her family were gonna go out to dinner after the show to celebrate both the concert and her little brother’s birthday. 

Then Izzy asked me if my Mum and Karim were coming. “Nah,” I said. “Karim’s gotta work and my mum’s big as a house. She doesn’t feel like goin’ much of anywhere now.” The lie rolled off my tongue so easily I almost forgot it wasn’t really the truth. I mean, those were true statements but they weren’t the reason my family wasn’t coming.

Izzy’s face fell a bit. “That’s too bad. You should invite someone else. You still got the tickets, haven’t ya?”

“Actually, Iz, why don’t you take them? You got loads of family.” I reach down into my backpack and hand her the two tickets.

A few minutes later, after Izzy and Victoria have finally decided on how we girls should wear our hair for the concert, we’re on our way out of the school when Izzy slows down, letting Greg and Victoria go several paces ahead of us. 

“Rae, are you sure you don't wanna keep your tickets?” She asks, flashing the blue pieces of paper in her hands.

I smile and hope it doesn’t look too sad. “Iz, you’re sweet, but who else would I ask? You keep them, so your brother and sister can come.”

“But Rae,” she begins then lowers her voice, “you could ask Finn.” 

I think I stopped breathing when she said his name. Finn had been gone nearly three weeks and I hadn’t heard a word from him. If I hadn’t gone to his house looking for him that night, who knows when I would’ve even found out he had moved to Leeds. 

I shake my head. “Iz, Finn left. He doesn’t want to see me sing in some college show. I don’t even have his number.” 

Now Izzy was the one to shake her head. “I don’t believe that. I think he’d wanna come and watch you sing. You’re amazing, Rae! He should see you smash it. Ask his dad for the number!” 

Thinking about Finn was a soft place I went to in my mind when the world felt chaotic. But talking about Finn was something altogether different. It made me feel jittery and on edge. Everything between us felt unfinished and I knew it was my fault. I never should’ve let him leave my bedroom that night. He wanted me to ask him to stay and I blew it. That was my last chance and I would have to live with that. I just hated to be reminded of it. 

“Izzy, it’s over. Leave it,” I said firmly. I kept walking, not bothering to slow down so she could catch up. 

Now here I am: Alone in a corridor, about to humiliate myself in front of a room full of strangers, with no family or friends to cheer me on or clap for me in pity when I fell flat on my face. I had been so close to making an escape. Instead, I turn around and walk towards the music room. My guilt and shame follow along beside me, twin ghosts I can’t escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first mention of you-know-who! One of the joys of writing this story has been exploring the Izzy-Rae dynamic. I love the purity of their relationship--it's not as deep, but it's a lot less complicated and stable.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae gets support from her classmates, and a performance tip from her teacher reminds her of a certain someone.

Everyone in the music room is so busy rehearsing with their groups that I’m able to slip inside without anyone noticing. I slink away to a corner at the back where there are bottles of water Mrs. Coombes brought in for us. She said it was important to “keep our pipes hydrated” before any performance. As I take a big gulp, trying to drown out the lump in my throat and the pit in my stomach, I watch my classmates practice choreography and vocal warmups. They make it look so easy: Just get up on a stage in front of your families, friends, schoolmates, enemies, neighbors, complete and utter strangers, and put on a show! No big deal. What bullshit!

I spot my group on the other side of the room. Mrs. Coombes was right about one thing: It wouldn’t be fair to let them down. It’s not just my grade on the line, but also theirs. Plus, like she said, we really have worked hard. When Chloe stopped showing up to practices, Izzy, Greg, and Victoria encouraged me to take the lead and listened to all my suggestions--except when I not-so-delicately suggested I wouldn’t sing this bloody song and they refused to hear it. We created the arrangement, decided on what we would wear, made posters, and practiced nearly every day for the past month. How could I say I wanna be a better mate to Chloe then go and be a total crap mate to these three? 

Izzy spots me hiding in the corner and waves me over. I walk with my head down, ashamed for them to know how badly I want to run away and abandon them.

“Rae! Where’ve you been? Don’t ya want to go over the song again?” Izzy’s flaming curls bounce as she speaks. 

I clutch at my stomach. “No, I don’t think I can sing.” 

Greg and Victoria laugh. “Funny, Rae,” Greg says, lightly punching my shoulder. When I don’t laugh, the three of them look at each other and then back at me, their eyes big and nervous. 

Izzy touches my arm. “You feel okay, Rae?” Izzy is so sweet, but I know she’s trying not to sound panicked. It isn’t working.

I shake my head. “I can’t sing in front of all those people, Iz. It’s packed out there!”

“Rae, I told ya not to look! Ya never look at the crowd before a performance!” Izzy scolds. 

“I heard Mrs. Coombes invited the whole St. George’s choir with guests and they’re takin’ up five rows just them!” Greg says. “Only ‘bout five chairs left in the whole room.” 

Oh shit. 

Izzy and Victoria punch each of his shoulders.

“Ow!” Greg yelps, crossing his arms across his chest to rub his body. 

“Shut up, Greg!” Victoria hisses. Her voice softens and she turns to me. “Rae, you’re the best singer at college. You’re gonna smash it! We’re gonna smash it!” Victoria gestures towards the three of us. 

“Rae, I bet if ya at least try, Mrs. Coombes will have to pass us,” Greg says. “Even if ya faint on stage.”

Izzy and Victoria sigh and roll their eyes. My body deflates. I sink down into a metal folding chair and throw my head back to stare into the lights, my eyes blurring as spots appear in my vision. I hear a person sit down in a chair beside me. I know it’s Izzy when she touches my arm.

“Rae, it’s normal to feel nervous before a performance,” she says. “When I started dance I used to throw up before every recital.”

“Gross!” I hear Victoria say. I imagine her face to be scrunched up in disgust, but I wouldn’t know because I’m still staring up at the lights and thinking about how utterly hopeless this situation is. 

“Yeah, but I crushed it every time, “ Izzy replied. “Nothin’ wrong with nerves before a show.” 

I wish I could throw up. Maybe if I did, Mrs. Coombes would let me go home and we could all get passing marks without me having to sing even a single note on that stage. The thought of sticking a finger down my throat reminds me of Tixie and I feel disgusted with myself to even think of doing such a thing. 

The sound of the door closing and Mrs. Coombes’ voice shouting, “Group Three! Queue up in the hall!” is so startling that I jerk my head up finally, the spots swimming in front of my face until my eyes can adjust. 

Mrs. Coombes walks towards our area in the back of the room. She drags a chair over from where Group Two had been set up and sits down on the other side of me. 

“Well, how’s Group Six faring?” Mrs. Coombes asks, more hopefully than I would’ve expected given how clear I was with her about my inability to perform. 

“Miss, if Rae doesn’t go on, will we still receive a passing mark?” Greg asks. We all look at him stupidly.

“Greg!” Victoria chides.

“You are such a knobhead!” Izzy says. 

Mrs. Coombes puts out her hands to quiet them. “Everyone in this room will be on stage at their scheduled time.” She looks at me pointedly and I scowl. Bloody cow. 

“What if she goes belly up on stage?” Greg asks. Now Mrs. Coombes looks like she wants to punch him in the mouth. Join the club. 

“Victoria, why don’t you and Gregory take a walk and watch some of the concert. Maybe try to find your families in the audience.” Mrs. Coombes looks at Victoria pleadingly, willing her to get Greg out of the room. 

Victoria nods and grabs Greg by the shirtsleeve, pulling him along. When they’ve gone, Mrs. Coombes takes a deep breath and leans forward in her chair, facing me and Iz. 

“Just the three of us now. We can have a proper chat, yeah?” 

I look over at Izzy, who smiles at me, and I nod.

Mrs. Coombes continues. “What are you afraid of Rachel? I know you’re prepared. You and your group have put together a lovely performance. I’ve watched you practice it full-through.” 

I fidget in my chair. If I was being honest--and I almost never really am--I would tell her I’m afraid of the audience seeing a fat girl and laughing; laughing at me because they think I fancy myself worthy of an audience; laughing at me because they can tell I’m a worthless fuck up. I would tell her I’m scared of having a panic attack in front of 10,000 people (I know, I know, but it feels like that many people) and then they would laugh at me even more and anyone at college who didn’t already think I was mad would know for sure I was mad as fuck.

The answer I give is the closest to the truth that I can manage. 

“I’m gonna get up there and I’ll freeze and nothin’ will come out.” I look down, embarrassed to admit it but more embarrassed thinking about all the things I’m not saying. 

“But Rae,” Izzy says, “You sing fine with us. We did dress rehearsals in front of the whole class.” 

“Izzy, that’s like 20 people. And we’re in class together every day. There’s way more than 20 people out there and I don’t know any of ‘em,” I tell her. Her face falls. I can see the softness in her eyes and I know how badly she wants to help me. There’s just no way she can.

Mrs. Coombes scoots a little further to the edge of her chair. “Rae, it’s perfectly normal to feel stage fright. I sang in the choir all through secondary school and my knees used to knock so loud you’d think a battalion was at the stage door!” 

“Did it ever get better?” I ask. 

“Oh, yes. My choir teacher gave me a bit of advice I’m going to share with you.”

“Please, Miss, don’t say I should imagine the audience naked,” I whine.

Mrs. Coombes groans and rolls her eyes. “Of course not! That’s the most dreadful advice and people must stop passing it around! No, what I like to do is to picture a person I love in the audience and sing only to them.”

I furrow my brow and consider the possibility. “That really works?”

“Does for me. I always thought of my Gran. Right as I walked out, I’d have her face in my mind. Then I’d picture her sitting somewhere in the audience and sing straight to her. I’d think of nothing else and see no one else. It’s like it was just me and my Gran alone in the room. It always got me through. Think of someone who makes you feel like you’re top, ace, the very best. Maybe your Mum? Or your Gran, too?”

If anyone was going to get me through this bloody performance, it wasn’t going to be Mum. If she were here, she’d have the meanest look on her face for the whole night. 

No, there was only one person who I wanted to be with during my solo. Only one person who would watch me sing and maybe--just maybe--cheer me on. 

Izzy’s voice cut through my thoughts. “Do ya think you’ll try it Rae? It could work.” 

I take a deep breath and shrug my shoulders. “Well,” I say, “It’s worth a shot.”

Mrs. Coombes nods delightedly and stands. “Marvelous! And we’re just in time!” Her voice raises and she shouts, “Groups five, six, and seven! Queue up!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so important to setting up what comes next, which will be Rae's actual performance which I have been envisioning since the first time I watched "Not I." Can't wait to share it!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time for Rae's big performance. Will she get through it or break down?

I’m thankful the auditorium is dark. I’m the last one to climb the small steps to the stage and my feet feel like they’ve been soaked in concrete. I get to the second of three steps when the clapping infiltrates my brain and I feel the panic rising in my throat like hot bile. Victoria and Greg walk on stage. Izzy is about to take the last step when she looks back and sees my face. 

“Rae? You a’right?” She whispers, hovering just above me.

I’m frozen halfway between the safety of the wings and the terror of the stage. Mrs. Coombes is suddenly behind me, her hand on my shoulder, turning me away from Izzy to face her.

“Rae,” she says, “Close your eyes.” 

I close them.

She continues, her voice comforting as a warm blanket. “Take a deep breath.” I do. “Again,” she says. I take three breaths, the panic pushed a little farther back down with each exhale. “The only people in this building are you and your person. That’s it. You’re just singing for them. Now go on.” She turns me back to Izzy, who’s waited for me, and gives a push. I stumble up the stairs and somehow walk to the center of the stage, where a single microphone illuminated by a spotlight waits for me. 

Izzy has taken her place between Victoria and Greg, behind me and to the left, the three of them sharing a spotlight of their own. I look back and Izzy smiles at me and nods, as if saying, You’re doing great! 

The light’s so bright in my eyes I can barely make out the audience, and thank God for that. I close my eyes one last time. I go to the place in my mind where I always think about him. I build him piece by piece; his trainers and jeans, his t-shirt and flannel, his brown hair and freckled face, his earring and crooked smile. When I open my eyes, I can see him sitting in the very back of the room, so clear it’s like he’s really here in flesh and blood. Staring at me. Smiling at me. 

Another breath and I do it. 

I sing. 

To Finn. Like I have every time I sing this song. 

“It's been seven hours and fifteen days/  
Since you took your love away”  
The group sings their back-up harmony and I startle. It pulls me out of my headspace and I almost look back at them. Instead, I stay focused on Finn. If I look away from him, I’ll be done for.   
My voice gets stronger as the song goes on. Until I reach the second verse, it all feels so achingly slow, like I’ve been on this stage for an hour instead of a minute. But when I reach the lines “Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling/ Tell me, baby, where did I go wrong?” something cracks inside me. Everything in my peripheral vision melts away. It truly feels like the only other person in the room is Finn. The memory of Finn, I should say. The words are the key that release all the pain and guilt and shame I’ve been keeping locked away for weeks, months, years. I sing louder, the sound echoing in a vibrato around a silent room. All I care about is Finn hearing me. I need this phantom Finn to know that I fucked it all up and I was sorry. I am so sorry.  
“All the flowers that you planted, mama, in the backyard/  
All died when you went away”

I couldn’t tell Finn in person or even over the telephone. He probably wouldn’t want to hear it anyway. This was the best I could manage, so it would have to do. 

When I finally reach the last lines of the final verse, I feel the wetness welling in my eyes. I know how close I am to the end of the song--the end of the performance--and it’s like a light at the end of a tunnel. I push through and refuse to let even a small tremble escape my throat. 

“I know that living with me, baby, was sometimes hard/  
But I'm willing to give it another try”

I finish the song on a somber, delicate note. I’ve given it all I’ve got. Left my heart on the stage. I close my eyes, tears falling down my cheeks, and take in a deep breath, thinking of Finn one last time. I know that when I open them again he’ll be gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rae's performance was a scene that I kept playing over and over again when I decided to write this. There are so many moments in the show where things don't go Rae's way, and even if that's realistic, I still wished that she could have a moment to shine and showcase her talent. Of course, using this particular song seems significant--how could she not be thinking of Finn while singing it?!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae celebrates her successful performance...keep reading to the very end of the chapter! :-)

I open my eyes. Before I can wipe away my tears, I’m shaken by a thunderous sound. The clapping of hands. It’s so loud it feels like an earthquake under the stage! The spotlight brightens even more. I put a hand over my eyes both to keep from getting blinded and to hide my still damp face. The only thing I can see beyond the spotlight and through my wet eyes are a mass of bodies standing for us. They block my view of Finn in the back of the room--and then I remember he wasn’t really there.

Izzy, Victoria, and Greg rush over and flank me. We hold hands and bow. I can’t see a bloody thing more than a foot in front of me! I go through the motions with the group and follow them off the stage. The last group set to perform passes us on their way. 

“Well done!” Shawna Reily says.

Michael Hinshaw gives me a high five, exclaiming, “Rae, that was fucking amazing!” 

I think I squeak out a “thanks” as he walks to the stage. Other classmates who have already performed and are now gathered in the hallway to wait out the final act clap and cheer for us. Well, actually, it sounds like they’re mostly cheering...for me. 

I hear my name coming from all directions. I keep turning in circles and it feels like I’m trapped in a funhouse. People are slapping my back and touching my arms and shoulders. Even though they’re all being so nice, it’s still too much to take in. My body starts heating up. It’s like my eyes can’t focus on one thing and so I feel myself squinting, clenching my jaw, and bringing my brows together. It’s an unpleasant feeling. Izzy must notice because she pulls me to a quiet spot farther down the corridor, closer to the music room. Victoria and Greg follow, then the three of them envelope me in a hug. 

“Rae, you were incredible! I’m sorry I doubted ya,” Greg says. 

“That was the best you’ve ever been, Rae. Well done, mate!” Victoria told me.

Izzy squeezed my hand and said, “Rae, I’m so proud of you. That was beautiful.”

They jump up and down with excitement and I can’t help but join in. We look like a pack of wild animals but I wouldn’t change it for anything. It’s nice to feel like I’m part of a group again. The gang’s been broken apart lately, all of us moving in different directions. It’s not nearly the same as being with them, but it’s still a sweet feeling to be with friends. Especially sweet to have been the hero for the day, the one who didn’t let anyone down. For once, finally.

When we settle down--out of breath and sweaty--Izzy says, “I guess Miss Coombes’s idea worked.”

“What idea?” Greg asks. 

“She told Rae to picture someone she loved in the audience and pretend she was singin’ to ‘em,” Izzy replies.

“Really? Who’d you think of, Rae?” Victoria asks. She’s slightly out of breath, which makes her voice conspiratorial--or maybe I’m just imagining it. All three are watching me. I might be high from the adrenaline and hallucinating, but I think Izzy is actually smirking. 

I try to think quickly and say, “My mum.” Casual. Keep it casual, Rae. 

Victoria and Greg nod, unimpressed. “Cool,” Greg says.

The noise from the main corridor picks up and we all turn to look. Thank God I got out of that one. I don’t need Victoria and Greg knowing my business with Finn. 

The lobby is filled with people. Our audience. Family members congratulating the performers, meeting classmates, chatting away and taking advantage of the Friday night. 

“Oi, let’s go find our families!” Victoria says. She charges toward the crowd, Greg following behind. 

Izzy turns and smiles at me. “I’m gonna see if I can find my mum and the others. Comin’?” 

I nod and start to follow her before stopping. It’s nagging at me and I need to tell someone. 

“Izzy,” I touch her elbow quickly before she’s out of reach. 

She turns, surprised. “Somethin’ wrong?” 

I bite my lip and hesitate. “I didn’t think of my mum.” I pause, Izzy watching me. “I thought of Finn.”

Izzy breaks out into a smile and rolls her eyes. “Duh. ‘Course you thought of Finn.”

I laugh and shake my head. Figures she would know. We all tease Izzy for being the youngest and not always the quickest, but she’s usually the best at picking up on things everyone else ignores, or just somehow knowing when one of us is going through a hard time. I should’ve known I couldn’t fool her. 

“But Iz,” I say, “It’s like he was here. I could see him sitting in the back row staring straight at me, like he was a real person in the crowd.” 

“Was it nice?”

I smile and feel dreamy remembering Phantom Finn in the auditorium. I can’t help it. “Yeah,” I tell her. “I should’ve listened to ya. I should’ve rang him.” I shrug my shoulders. No use getting worked up over something I can’t undo. 

“You should ring him anyway,” Izzy says. 

“Yeah, maybe.” I should, but I probably won’t. It feels like the moment’s passed between us. Many moments. I should’ve told him to stay, I should’ve rang him when Chloe went missing, I should’ve rang him days ago when my life started turning to shit with mum and he was the only person I wanted to talk to. Door after door after door closing in my face and I’m the twat lockin’ ‘em shut. 

“C’mon, let’s find my family. They’ll take us to the chippy to celebrate.” She nods in the direction of the lobby, still bursting with people. 

“You go ahead and I’ll catch up. I’m gonna grab my backpack from the music room.”

“Okay. Come find me when you’re ready.” She turns and I watch her get swallowed up in the crowd, a slight red glimmer flashing away.

Finally alone, I find a quiet spot near the wall to settle myself. I expected to feel letdown after the show. The smallest part of me that thought maybe I wouldn’t do a crap job still knew there wouldn’t be a big cheering section in the middle of the auditorium, yelling my name and bringing me flowers when I got off the stage. But, I don’t feel let down. I feel...proud? I think that’s what this is. It’s surprising to not feel like a sad loser. As I watch my classmates surrounded by the people who love them, I don’t feel jealous or sad. I’m happy for them. It’s scary getting on a stage and putting yourself out there. Any one of us could’ve fallen smack on our face or walked on stage with our knickers showing or a pimple shining on our forehead. We could’ve forgotten the words to our songs or our microphones could’ve stopped working halfway through. But we did it. I did it. 

I’m thinking about all the twists and turns this night has taken when I hear someone walking towards me from behind. I expect them to take a turn or walk straight past me. 

And then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys....!!! Sorry for the cliffhanger but I think it will be worth the wait!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae has unexpected visitor at her concert...Who could it be?!

Chapter 6

“This the queue for autographs?” 

I turn and there he is.

“Finn?”

I throw my arms around his neck. I know he’s shocked because I can feel him wobble a wee bit before he steadies himself, his arms around my back. I don’t want to let go. I smell him: CK One, motor oil, and something fragrant I can’t place. When I finally step back, I pat his shoulders, disbelievingly. 

“Is it really you?” I ask. 

He laughs. “Hope so.” He looks the same. Gorgeous. Perfect. Freckles I’d like to lick like an ice cream cone. A mouth I could kiss for hours. I can’t see his backside, but I’m sure it’s sweeter than a peach. 

So, it was really him in the audience and not just a delusion I conjured up like a security blanket. I sang to a Phantom Finn because I wanted the Real Finn to hear me, but now that I know he actually did, my body prickles with embarrassment. What if he noticed me crying? I was staring at him the whole time; he must think I’m a right stalker! 

I try to keep my face as calm as I can, but there’s no way to hide my surprise, especially now that I nearly knocked him down from that hug. “Finn, what are ya doin’ here?” 

“Izzy rang me,” he answers. 

“Izzy?” That ginger devil! Should’ve known she wouldn’t let it drop. 

“She got my number in Leeds from my dad. Left the ticket there for me.”

“That sneaky little tosser,” I say, which makes Finn laugh. 

“I’m glad she called. She told me I’d be an idiot if I missed this concert.” Finn smirks. “She said I’d regret it.” He pauses for a second, looking serious. “She was right. Rae, you were mint! I mean, really really amazin’. I never heard something so beautiful. ” 

Beautiful? My heart is thundering and his eyes are lit up, brighter than any spotlight, and I think that’s what makes my heart beat even faster. Shit. What if I have a heart attack right here and literally die at Finn’s feet? What a way to go, though.

I’m sure I’m shaking even more than during the standing ovation. I want so badly to look down and hide my face. But I want to see Finn more than I want to hide, and that desire keeps my eyes on him, which I do--even though my face feels on fire and my heart could stop at any moment.

“Ya don’t have to say that, Finn. It’s just a college show. No big deal.” 

He shakes his head. “No, Rae, I mean it. Oi, I almost forgot. These are for you.” He holds out a bundle of wildflowers tied together with twine. I was so shaken up by his presence and focused on his face that I hadn’t even noticed he had something in his hands. I take the bouquet and bring the flowers up to my nose; it’s the mystery Finn smell I couldn’t name. 

“Thank you,” I say, taking in the sweet scent and running my fingers over the colorful petals: purple, yellow, blue, orange. Each flower is a different length, the heads different shapes. I’m mostly crap at knowing girly things like flowers, but I can tell the honeysuckle and bluebells, and the dandelions of course. No crinkly wrapping or frilly bows. They remind me of walking through a field in summer. I might not know the names for them all, but they’re so beautiful. Perfect.

Finn rubs at the back of his neck. “The florist kept tryin’ to get me to buy roses, but they just...I don’t know, they didn’t seem like--like you. I saw these ones and, well, they reminded me of ya.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets and looks down shyly. Jesus, I think he looks nervous!

I clear my throat. “Finn, they’re perfect. You were right ‘bout the roses.” I scrunch up my nose in distaste, which makes him chuckle and blush. “Honestly, I didn’t expect to get any flowers tonight.” I look into the auditorium, which is still mostly full but a little less bustling and noisy. I see at least a dozen bouquets in the hands of pretty girls, a couple who I know for a fact lip synced through their songs. Never thought I’d be a girl who gets a bouquet, but here I am with one. And it’s the prettiest in the room, no question. 

“You deserve a hundred more, Rae.” His eyes meet mine and it’s like they’ve got a wire leading straight to my heart. And other parts. 

I look at him doubtfully, but he continues. “Ya do.” 

He says it in that classic Finn way, like it’s so obvious. 

“Well, I guess I was pretty good,” I say, smiling slyly.

He starts to say something back, but before he can get the words out someone calls my name from halfway across the room. We both turn to the sound and there’s Izzy, waving a bouquet of yellow and pink carnations (yuck, even worse than roses) and making her way over to us. As she approaches, her eyes get big and dart from me to Finn. She makes a totally Izzy squeal and gives Finn a hug. 

“Finn!” She exclaims. “You came. Good to see ya.” 

“Hey, well done, mate!” He says. “Your group was top! Everyone near me was sayin’ the same.” 

“That’s cuz we had Rae,” Izzy says, bumping her shoulder against me with a mischievous grin. 

“So, Rae.” Izzy turns to me, her back to Finn and her eyes big as the moon. “Me and my family are goin’ to the chippy. Do you still wanna come and we’ll drive you home after?” Her eyes dart back and forth dramatically.

“Well,” I start to say, looking from Izzy to Finn.

Finn takes a step closer. “I could drive ya home, Rae. I got my dad’s car. Maybe we could talk some?” 

This is what my brain screams: Yes! Yes! Talk to Finn for hours.  
This is what my vagina screams: Fuck, yes! Let him talk to you and then let him do whatever he wants to your body.

This is what I say: “Uh, yeah. Okay. Cool.” I am *such* an idiot.

Izzy flashes me an excited smile. “Alright, well, I’ll be seein’ ya then.” She gives me a hug and whispers, “So, are ya mad at me?”

I make sure my mouth is hidden by her red curls and whisper back, “Guess not.” 

“I told ya he’d come.” I watch Finn, who looks down and tries to hold back a smile. Has he heard us?

Before Izzy leaves she gives Finn a hug goodbye and makes him promise to call the gang.

“Yeah, yeah. I will,” he tells her, giving her a quick hug. Izzy waves to us once more near the doors and we watch as she follows her family outside into the cold night. 

And then it’s just us. Me and the Sex Wizard. The Emperor of Hotness. The Embodiment of Horn. 

I’ll be lucky if my ovaries don’t spontaneously combust in the next five minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter. We so rarely got to see Rae truly excited in the show and I loved writing her excited in this story. One of my favorite moments in the show was in the Season 2 finale, "Glue," when Finn appears beside her in the hospital. I wanted to capture that same feeling of surprise for the audience/reader, but obviously in a much lighter situation. I'm also a big Izzy fan, even though the Rae/Izzy friendship doesn't get as much airtime as the Rae/Chloe friendship, obviously. In my universe of the show, the characters take more active roles and I like to think that Izzy is such a good friend and true romantic that she would try to create something special for Rae.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rae and Finn have a heart-to-heart about their past and finally reveal some important truths.

Finn gestures to the nearest row of chairs. “Can we sit?”

I nod. He follows me into the row and takes an aisle seat beside me. The party atmosphere around us is breaking up. There are maybe a dozen people left in the room, a few separate groups laughing and nursing take out coffees or teas. Mrs. Coombes and a couple of other teachers I recognize but can’t name are hanging out near the piano, along with a bunch of people I assume are from the St. George choir. 

“So, how’s Leeds then?” I ask, getting right into it. 

“It’s shit,” he says, shaking his head.

“No. Is it really?” That’s a surprise. Gone three weeks, without so much as a call to nearly any of us, expect maybe Archie. I thought he must have been too busy living the good life to think about us. To think about me.

He scoots down a bit in his chair, his legs straightening out in front of him. “I realized being a scaffolder in Leeds isn’t actually what I want to do. Besides, I missed bein’ home. I missed my mates.” He looks at me. “Some more than others.” His knee knocks against mine and stays there. I have to bite my lip to keep from smiling. 

“So, you’re moving back?”

He nods. “My uncle’s gonna help me bring my stuff back this weekend.”

Back to Lincolnshire! I think I can hear my ovaries coming to life, like they’ve been hibernating and now realized it’s spring again. 

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.” I say it because I know that’s the thing I’m supposed to say. But it’s not true. Fucking backpack of bullshit; just when I think I’ve thrown it in the bin, it still ends up on my shoulders, like a fucking zombie pack. 

I shake my head and turn to him. “No, that’s bollocks. I’m not sorry.” I hear my voice rising. “I’m glad you’re moving back. I missed you. I really, really missed you.”

His eyebrows raise, a smile curving his lips. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I pause for a second and push on before I can think better of it. “Finn, I sang that song for you.” 

If I were a cartoon character, my eyes would jump out from my skull and I would bang my head against an anvil. But, since I am sadly a real, live person, I slink down in my chair and look away. Pathetic. First I serenade him--my ex-boyfriend!--with a love song and now I’ve confessed to desperately missing him. The last thing I want is for Finn Nelson to think I’m some pining loser. 

I wouldn’t blame him if he left right then. Shit, I’d even understand if he went to the police and wrote up an order of protection against me, the mad twat that I am! 

Instead of fleeing, Finn sits up, our knees still touching. “Rae,” he starts. When I don’t turn my head to look at him, he reaches over and tugs at my arm, forcing me to drop it down to my side, my protective armor gone. Once we’re face-to-face, he goes on. 

“Rae, I’m sorry I left the way I did. I kept thinking I would call ya but then I didn’t know what to say.” He looks down and picks at a loose thread at the bottom of his flannel. “I wrote you a letter. Just couldn’t get the nerve to send it.” He glances at me now through the heavy lids of his eyes.

“What’d it say?” I ask, my mind salivating with the possibilities. I push my knee against his and he pushes back, smiling. 

“It said to look out for the gang. It said everything got better when we met you. It said…” His voice drifts off. I watch as he lifts his pointer finger and places it on my right thigh, sending shock waves through my body. He traces the letters S-O-R-R-Y, our eyes meeting as he lifts his hand and places it back on his knee.

I catch my breath, which isn’t easy. I’ve missed his hands on my body. I really should be locked up for the number of times I’ve sabotaged sex acts with Finn. 

“Finn, you got nothin’ to be sorry for. I was such a dickhead to ya.”

Finn snorts playfully, “So you finally admit it then?”

I laugh nervously. Maybe Finn wants to keep this light, but I don’t. If I do, that bloody backpack of bullshit will show up again. 

I square my shoulders and take in a big gulp of air. “Seriously, Finn. I was a dickhead. When you came to my house that night I should’ve told you to stay.”

He tilts his head. “Did ya want me to stay?”

“‘Course,” I answer quickly. 

I can tell he’s trying not to smile too much, but by now I’ve figured out that even though Finn comes off as all quiet and mysterious, he’s actually crap at keeping a straight face. 

“Rae, I didn’t leave ‘cuz I stopped likin’ ya.” The smile’s gone. Now, his face looks weighed down by some other, darker emotion. “I left cuz I liked ya… a lot. A lot. And it was too hard just bein’ friends.” 

It’s the way he says “a lot” twice that makes me think he more than liked me. Maybe it was the other “L” word. The BIG ONE. 

God, I feel the words stab at me. I know how it feels to want someone so bad and to feel like you can’t have them. The only difference is I was the one pushing away the person I wanted. Finn kept trying and trying, and I was the twat running away. Even though it was me who stayed in Stamford, I was always the one running away. 

I look at his leg, still pressed against mine. I bring my finger to his thigh, catch his eyes watching me. I trace along the soft denim, worn down over time, and spell out S-O-R-R-Y. All the while, Finn watches me; *gazes* at me. It’s intoxicating. If I stood up I would probably tip over like a drunkard.

“See, I know what that feels like,” I tell him. “I didn’t break up with you cause I just wanted to be friends. It was because--” I stop, not sure how to say it so he’ll understand. How do you explain the most obvious thing in the world to the one person who should see it the most but somehow doesn’t?

“Because what?” Finn asks gently.

Slowly, I go on. “Because I don’t usually like myself all that much.” (That’s an understatement). “So, I don’t understand how someone could fancy me like that. ‘Specially someone as fit as you.” Finn rolls his eyes like he’s annoyed. I continue. “I worried too much ‘bout what people thought ‘bout us when they saw us together.” 

Finn pushes back against his chair and brings his legs closer in. Away from me. Bollocks, now I’ve really done it, haven’t I? Finn sits there staring straight ahead for a minute, not looking at me. Not really looking at anything. Finally, when it feels like we’ve been sitting there in silence for longer than I was on the stage, he turns to face me, our knees knocking into each other. 

“Rae, why do you like me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read my other two stories, you can probably tell that I'm all about Rae and Finn having honest conversations and talking things out. This chapter and the next are all about that! I'm really happy with the dialogue and I tried my best to capture not only their voices, but also their mannerisms. Hope you enjoy! Keep your eyes out for the next/final chapter!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!

“What?” I’m so startled I shake my head. How could there be enough time in the universe for me to say all the reasons I fancy Finn Nelson?

“No, really. You tell me what you like about me and I’ll tell you what I like about you. Since you’re so keen to know.” He’s challenging me. Might as well be a jukebox in the corner and a coin in his hand. 

“Fine,” I say. 

I think about it for a second. I retrace the steps of our relationship, picking up all the pieces along the way that drew me to Finn. 

“Well, I like that you’ve never treated me like I was ill. Ya know that.” I remember our walk near the stables, when he surprised me with the camper.

“I like that you’re there for me when I need ya, even when I don’t know how to ask for help.” I remember knocking on his door the day of the rave, when me and mum had that massive row. I remember feeling knocked back by shock when he appeared out of thin air and punched a bloke right in the mouth for me.

“I like that you have...decent taste in music, most of the time.” This gets a laugh, and it reminds me of “Spaceman” by Babylon Zoo, which I suppose has become “our song” for better or worse. 

Finally, with a blush and a flirty grin, I bump against his shoulder and add: “And you’re pretty nice to look at.” Soft pink spreads from beneath his freckles. So adorable I could burst. 

“So, that’s all then?” He asks playfully. 

I hit his arm lightly. “Well, excuse me, Mr. Bighead.” He turns away from the slap and bites his lip through a grin. “Of course that’s not all,” I say. “It’s just everything. It’s the way you make me feel, like I can be myself. You’re special. I don’t know how else to say it.” 

Now I’m the one with blush spreading across my chest and up my neck. I’m sure if I felt my face, it would be warm to the touch. I look down, trying to hide from Finn’s gaze. With my eyes on my lap, I watch as his hand comes into frame, his fingers lightly tracing my own, up and down, up and down, then lazily moving up the edge of my sleeve, circling the top of my wrist. My stomach clenches from the fear he’s going to feel the scar on the inside of my wrist, but I relax when his hand settles back on his knee, his warm skin up against my own. 

“It’s the same way I feel about you,” Finn says softly. “It’s everything. You’re funny and strong. You’d do anything for your mates. You know your music. I like you because you’re Rae and that’s it.” 

I can’t help but remember our row in the toilet just a couple months ago. I think I finally understand what he’s saying. Except for one thing.

“But, Finn. It can’t be *everything*.” I gesture towards my body in a sweeping motion. My chunky thighs, my plumpy stomach, my thick arms and round face. 

He looks at me confused. “‘Course it can. Why not?”

“Because I look like me and there are girls who look like Stacey and Olivia. And they throw themselves at ya! I don’t get it.” I toss my hands in the air towards Finn, who scoffs. Quieter, I ask, “How could you pick me over them?”

He shakes his head. “Being with Olivia only reminded me that she wasn’t you. You’re all I thought ‘bout.”

I think of Chloe’s diary. The entry she wrote about running into Finn at the chippy. He said he broke up with Olivia because he couldn’t get over me. He’s saying all the right stuff, the kind of stuff any girl would die to hear. But, how could Finn promise that he would still like me after watching me undress? After seeing me naked? The thought sends a chill down my spine. 

“I’m not pretty like them. If you see me--”

Finn grabs my hand. “I see you, Rae. I’m lookin’ right at ya.” His eyes are soft like melting butter.

I start to cry a little. Shit, I can’t help it. He’s just not getting it, and the more we talk about it the more exposed I feel. “No, Finn, I mean if you saw me naked you wouldn’t want to be with me. I’m telling ya.” 

He twines his fingers between mine and rests our hands on my leg. “Rae, I went to Leeds so I could stop thinking ‘bout ya. But it didn’t matter how far I went, I still thought ‘bout ya all the time.” He drops his voice down lower, breathy and seductive, and leans in close. “And you weren’t always wearing clothes when I thought of you.” 

His eyes trail the length of my body and dare I say--they look hungry, those eyes. I’m suddenly aware of every curve, every nuance to my shape because I feel him taking it all in. It’s like in a movie, how everything slows down and all you hear is the character’s heart beating. ‘Cept this isn’t a movie. For fuck’s sake, this is my real life. Finn’s good at a lot of things--riding a motorcycle, having a perfect ass, fingering my lady parts--but I don’t think he’s a good enough actor to be faking how much he wants me right now. I wipe at my tears and try to steady my breath, which is hard to do since it feels like I’ve stopped breathing at all. 

Finn’s free hand, the one not holding my own, is now braced against my armrest, the one that’s farther from him, so that he’s got his arm draped across the top of my midsection, just below my breasts. I don’t know if he’s trying to keep me here or just trying to get as close to me as he can in a public space; maybe it’s both. He glances around the room, where there’s one lingering family of six talking to the teachers at the far side. His voice is still low. “Rae, you remember we’ve done...stuff.”

Flashes of memories like lightning: his tongue in my mouth, his lips on my neck, his fingers undoing the buttons of my shirt under the low lighting inside the camper. His hand down my pants. The orgasmic gateway he tapped me through. 

“And if you also remember, I’ve been pretty clear about wanting to do more.” He shifts in his seat. It’s not just our knees touching anymore but our entire legs smashed together. Our clasped hands lean against my inner thigh, dangerously close to that Gateway I know Finn can find. 

His face leans even closer towards me, our shoulders touching. His breath is warm and minty against my ear. 

“And if I saw you, Rae, if you would let me see you, I would enjoy looking at you very very much.” He punctuates the last words and it takes my breath away, sets my vagina on fire. My ovaries? Probably floating up to Jesus by now. 

I see Finn’s face start to drift away and before I know it, I’m grasping at his jawline and pulling him back to me. His lips on my lips. His tongue in my mouth. My hands feeling along the nape of his neck. His hand pressed against my cheek. His hand trailing down from my neck to my hip. It feels like we’re levitating. We must be 10 feet above the ground, heading towards the stars. For the first time all night, I feel totally steady. In control. 

The kiss ends but our faces are still close enough that I could count the freckles on Finn’s face if my mind was clearer. 

“I think I believe you,” I whisper. 

Finn chuckles. “‘’Bout time.” He tucks my hair behind my ear, his hand resting on my cheek, his thumb tucked in the hollow behind my ear. “Did you mean it when you said that song was for me?” 

I nod. “I was picturing you in my mind the whole time. When you came up to me I thought I was seeing a ghost. Or maybe I’d finally lost my mind for real.” I laugh and shake my head. 

Through a smirk, Finn says, “It felt like you were looking right at me. I guess I hoped you were singing to me. I felt silly thinking it, though.”

“That’s not silly at all.” 

This time it’s Finn who makes the first move, kissing me more urgently than before. Deeper and faster, the kind of kiss that feels like it could be building to something more. 

Someone coughs loudly--someone other than me or Finn--and we jump apart. At the far end of the aisle is a tall man with a moustache, wearing coveralls and holding a mop. 

“Sorry, kids, but it’s time to get goin’. Gotta start on the floors,” he calls to us. 

In the time we had been talking--okay, fine, making out--the room had emptied. Half the chairs had been put away and the stage lights were turned off. I hadn’t even noticed the quiet of the room or the dimness. Jesus, how long had this guy been watching us? 

“Sorry,” Finn calls, standing up. He reaches out his hand and I take it, grabbing the flowers as I get to my feet.

“That’s a’right,” the mustached man says back. “Hey, did one of you leave a backpack in the music room?”

Shit, my backpack. I actually had meant to go back for it...I just got distracted by Finn’s face, and his eyes, and his hands, and the nearness of his knob.

“Yes, it’s mine!” I call back. 

“I left it on the stage.” He points towards the front of the room, then drops the mop in a yellow bucket beside his feet and gets to work. 

“I’ll get it,” Finn says. I watch as he strides to the stage. Yup, his ass is still sweet as a peach. I make sure my mouth isn’t hanging open like a dog’s when he turns and starts back towards me. 

“Can’t forget that,” he says.

“Thanks.” I grab for it, my hand on a strap but Finn tugs it back, pulling me towards his chest and planting his mouth over mine. 

We kiss and giggle until we hear the unmistakable sound of our friendly caretaker clearing his throat, he and his mop having made their way closer to our side of the room. 

“Ah, guess we should go,” Finn says.

I put my backpack on my shoulder, take his hand, and give him one last, soft kiss on the lips. “To be continued,” I tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed how this story wrapped up. I respect how Finn's attraction to Rae is never exactly explained in the way Rae wants--because being attracted to a person and loving a person is complex. I wanted to honor that while also making it clear that Finn is definitely sexually attracted to her as she is.


End file.
